Hello my sweet friends. We are in a tough spot, that is about all I can say about this phase of cancer. After such a big surgery, Carl is having a very rough respose to his new chemotherapy regimen. He is weak, exhausted, and nauseated all day. His beautiful head of hair has begun thinning, and energy is at an all time low. Today we went in to have chemotherapy, and were advised to break because Carl is Neutropenic. It is almost comical when you are at risk for infection with two toddlers……enough said. I must say that it is hard to imagine doing this for eleven more treatments, but the alternative is also just as scary.
I have realized with-in my heart, after some hard praying for patience, that I am working through those vows I spoke on the alter. To LOVE (not just be) in sickness, and in health, in good times, and in bad, for better or for worse….TILL DEATH DO US PART. It is interesting to think of that sweet little story I played out in my head….boy meets girl, white dress, babies, houses, careers, and growing old were all in those dreams, never once did cancer enter that story. This is real, this is hard, this is true love. It is not always fair, it is not always pretty, it is not always easy, or self benefitting. It is love, and with it came my promise to give that love, in all times, not just the good ones. I have have been doing a lot of soul searching about how active my love is in the good versus the bad days. How much added stress do I bring to my day to cloud my judgement, and make me less of a loving wife and mother. I have also been searching for the things that truely matter, and erasing the things that don’t. I am not sure if anyone is good at cancer, but I have to say, I am liking the person I am today so much better. I feel more like my authentic self than I have in years. Being true to myself allows me to be able to give more love. It is a time when I am listening to my heart, and living with my soul in all avenues of my life. The fear is gone, because the scariest thing that I could have imagined, is now unfolding in front of me. My heart, my soulmate, is sick and this has become very real for me and my children.
It is my vow, my promise, my heart that is in charge of this family right now. My actions on a day to day basis are what determines our future emotional-well-being in this house, and that means setting the daily pace for positivity and love. Truth, I am not always feeling positive. Another truth, it is scary to be alone all the time. The last truth, I now know that I can be alone. God forbid if that happens, as freeing as that truth is, that life would leave my real heart dead. So with all this truth on paper (virtual paper), it is now a second vow……I am to love, and keep on loving through all this sickness and bad…..so that we can celebrate all the good that started our sweet little family. Truth be told, I have done many things wrong in my life, but marrying Carl, being his wife, and having our beautiful children are the choices that I would do over, and over, and over again. That is real love. You stick together, even when worldly circumstances try with every ounce of energy to break you. We cannot be broken, in fact we are holding on tighter then ever. I thank God everyday that I gave my vow to Carl, and cancer can never take that away, nor will I let it break my promises!!!