What is the hardest part about cancer? When you are watching the cancer win. When death is sitting in our home, hovering and implicating that the time is near. It is becoming so obvious that even my 5 year old recognizes it is coming. For me, the original diagnosis implied a young life would be stolen; but prove them wrong I did. Alix called me a “Phoenix”, as if I was rising each time I fought and came out on top every time. It is hard to believe I am not rising right now. It is hard to believe i am losing small parts of my routine within my household and with my family. My corny jokes, my goofy attempts at flirting, and my beautifully terrible shower singing. These little things seem to be slipping away. It is quiet in our house. I am staying awake at night finally asking these questions I swore I would not. Why us? Why to our love? Why is this happening? I cannot for the life of me begin to understand. Now there is the ache to see our children now hurting. Their pain seems to magnify my own pain beyond levels I ever knew existed. Please go away death, as we need more time. Time is everything. But do we have more time? No one knows. The only thing we know is that we can control the way we live each minute. But even that is a farce. If we believe this is a farce, are we being negative? Conversely, If we continue to fight, are we being naive? Should we care either way? Are there answers? Who cares! Is there a timeline? Who cares! Are we going to be prepared? Who cares! Let’s live now. Let’s love now. Let’s laugh now. Let’s cry now. Above all, let’s do it together. When i am gone, there is one certainty; we will not do it together. I will be gone. So, do we really want an answer? Here it is. Let’s do it together! Let us laugh, cry, sing, hug, love, fight, eat, drink, travel, rest…together. Above all, we are a family. Families are forever, and do it all together.

Carl