Friends and Family,
This week has been a challenge. Just when I thought we were in the clear, finishing chemotherapy and radiation, things have turned a bad corner. Carl began having severe pains this week, and his pain level is the highest I have ever witnessed. He fell to the floor in pain after drinking a sip of water. This from a man who rarely complains, and has likely hidden much of his pain from me to date. He has been running fever, and truly this week the reality of cancer is staring me in the face. I cannot explain how different it is to witness pain from your beloved, it is scary, and I would do anything to take it away from him. Witnessing him miss things at work that I know he has been looking forward to all year, because he is in pain is astonishing. I am so empathetic to all the mothers before me that have been on this cancer journey, and raising children. It is hard, beyond hard. Carl is currently getting fluids regularly for hydration, because he is unable to drink. His current source of food, can reduce me to tears in a second. I thought we would be 90 before I watched my chef husband choke down ensure, as he screams due to the pain that it causes him.
Our life is flipped upside down, and normal is something I dream of at night. I long for the summer vacation where we drink wine and play with our kids at the beach. Where we snuggle with the babies on Sunday…..those days are long ahead of us for now. I can see the worry in our physician’s eyes as she is trying to rule out the what it is that may be causing such extreme pain. I now know our strength. Together we can beat anything. I have had dark days, and so has he, but never on the same day. God put our souls together long ago, and even when we are not talking I know his needs, and he mine. Love is powerful. It rises above all pain, all weakness, all fear, all anger. Cancer makes you feel all these emotions. Love pulls you through.
Prayers are now needed for pain relief and hope that there is no underlying infection. Healing needs to begin so that we can prepare for the upcoming surgery. We will meet with our surgeon on Monday to develop a plan for the month ahead. We are treating with antibiotics, anti-yeast, pain medications and pretty much the kitchen sink. This is the beginning of the difficult part of the journey. Asking for help is very hard for me. Cancer is forcing me to slowly learn to ask for help from all the amazing people that we have in our life. It has taught me humility, that I can’t do it all alone. I don’t want to be alone ever. God willing, this will be over soon and I will have my partner in crime back.
Words cannot express all the gratitude we have for all the prayers, donations, meals, gift cards, prayer cards, and love that we have received in the last 3 months. Emily Post may be shaking her head at me, along with my Grandmere in heaven. So please know that even if you have not received a written note of thanks you are all in my thoughts and prayers, and all the support has filled me with energy and is appreciated more than words can ever express. Will update next week with the surgical plans….and I have been mulling over a post on giving for a few weeks. Sorry for the writers block….worry is cluttering my thoughts.