That as a boxer defends himself while his opponent is kicking his ass, often times these defense tactics weaken him as well. He then finds himself in the corner with his arms up in the only defense left. Cancer is kicking my ass, and my defense, chemotherapy, is weakening my fight. I am against the ropes; I am in the corner with my hands up. My support group in my corner has the white towel, and I have to decide if I want to throw it in before I am knocked out.

The mass that had started in my adrenal area has likely spread to the pancreas and spleen. Six months to a year is the estimate. SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR! I cannot process this. It is not in my DNA to give up. I cannot believe this, however, I can prepare for it.

Mortality has become almost too easy to discuss. I have made a will, planned a funeral, talked to God, Buddha, saints, therapists, gurus, and you name it. This will be easy for me. The ones around me who I love more than I ever knew I could, different story. In a selfish way, I wish my parents could go before me, so they do not have to bury a child. As morose as that seems, I think anyone with children can relate. My biggest struggle is to know Alix, Carr, and Cate will be taken care of. I hope they will. I hope I will be with them always. I do not, however, know anything. The journey has taught me that no one really knows anything when it comes to cancer. I do know one thing. Love is real. Love is forever. Love is all around me. As low as I will be, as low as people around me will be, that is how high they can be conversely. That is love.

My wish is simple. Live life in love and this short time on Earth will be so much more fulfilling. Thank you all who have loved me, it has made life more worth living.

Carl